I was a Survival Instructor in the USAF, and I’ve been all over the world, but wtf is up with the English palate. Maybe it’s just me (I’m of Scottish, Irish & German decent) but Black Pudding & cold congealed fat pork in a pie? WTF are they thinking? And speaking of Ms. Lovett’s pies, Stargazy Pie? I mean who wouldn’t kill for a pie that had fish heads and tails hanging all about it? I seem to recall that even Charles Dickens recognized that the English couldn’t tell beef, kidneys or veal from alley cat once it was posited under a crust, so is it any wonder? Perhaps an appetizer of some Jellied Eel? I’m just shocked that someone can see that shite lying about in a bowl and still manage to cram it into their mouth. And then, the coup de grâce, a bit of dessert featuring the venereal disease inspired images of Spotted Dick. Now THAT is simply epic brilliance! What condemned prisoner doesn’t crave a lump of mutton fat with raisins and currants as the dénouement of their last meal? And actually, there’s so much more, you could probably present it as a two part series. Regurgitated peas, on toast no less. I mean I love me some fresh garden peas, and often eat them raw as fast as I can pick them, but what the fucking English do to them is sheer travesty. Must they boil everything into oblivion? I take that back – it beats hell out of cold pork fat in a slimy pie I suppose. And what other sorts of things do they find to boil up and misnomer as food? How about heart, lungs and liver out of the vivesectionists’ lab dumpster, all stuffed into a bit of tripe. I swear to God, what they do to toast makes it almost seem that they have some sort of vendetta to settle. Marmite? I thought it some sort of weird British Isles rodent when first I heard mention of it (and tasting it has not dissuaded me one tiny bit from my initial assumption). And getting back to pies, yet again, who the fuck actually looks forward to an English Christmas celebration that includes Mince pie? I was cursed with being born in the U.S., where a door stopper called Fruit Cake fills a similar niche I suppose, but sweet baby Jesus, why the fuck do people still make it? Here we gift and re-gift the same sorry brick back and forth between people we hate and those that we only mildly detest, but as I understand it, the people of England actually eat that shit! Is the German blockade still a thing? I thought that the Battle of the Atlantic was settled decades ago. So why the fuck are the Brits still eating as though there’s nothing left in the larder but scraps from the slaughterhouse and whatever else they can sweep up off of the barn floor? I’m a farm-steader myself, and we raise nearly all of our own food, so things like sausage and even scrapple are some of our standard fare that most folks are better off never seeing made, but at least once it’s all cooked up it looks and tastes like something wonderful. Fucking sardine pie??? I also live on the water, so no snob to fish or eels, but sorry, those people are just straight up fucking weird. Fucking prawn flavored crisps? Really?
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